It’s me. The end.

The Wii Golf has come back to haunt me.

Brad and I decide to go to the driving range on Saturday night for some big people golf.  After the Great Father’s Day Massacre, as well as the wicked swing talent demonstrated on the Wii, I figure shooting a bucket of balls off the green should be equally successful.

Oh, how do I hate being wrong.

Turns out, big people golf is nothing like the mini golf.  I mean, have you actually done big people golfing?  It’s some serious business.  So serious, in fact, that it officially get CAPITAL LETTERS.  And that takes some  focused typing, and I no likee.

But anyhoo.

Prior to all this knowledge, on Saturday night I was thinking Happy Gilmore here I come.  I just knew I had it in me.  I could do this.  I could send golf balls flying into outer space.  I could, because the dadgum Wii Golf told me so.  And we just don’t argue with that kind of rationalization, now do we?

So in my best golf television sportscaster announcer voice, I will proceed to interpret the actions of the Saturday Night BIG PEOPLE golf showdown.  Here we go:

First up is Dianna.  A novice in the competition arena, but in recent training events, has shown a remarkable natural talent for the sport.  Her Wii Golf swing is on-the-mark, easily sending practice shots into the 100 point bulls eye ring.  Upsetting the competition is one thing that comes easily to Dianna.  And that, coupled with the overwhelming victory at the Father’s Day Massacre … well, I have no doubt as to what to expect here this evening.  Genius, pure genius.

The crowd falls to a deafening hush.  Dianna places the ball on the tee.  Her caddy … I believe his name is Bruce or Brent or maybe it’s Brad … don’t know exactly.  He must not travel amongst the important in BIG PEOPLE golf circles.  In fact, I think his resume shows no other details besides handyman, sugar daddy and love slave.  And, well, I guess we can add caddy to that list as well.  Impressive!

So Bruce/Brent/Brad has handed Dianna a driver.  Dianna takes position behind the ball, arms outstretched, fingers locked in hold.  And here comes the deep breath … the lift … the arch … the SWING … and it’s … it’s … well, where’d the damn ball go?  Holy smokes!  It’s completely disappeared into the outer reaches of the atmosphere!  The crowd’s gone wild!  Dianna and Bruce/Brent/Brad have their hands up to their eyes, looking off into the distance for signs of the ball.  This is madness, I tell you!  Complete madness!  What we have witnessed here today is one for the record books, not to be matched by anyone ever in the history of BIG PEOPLE golf.  And I am lucky to be alive for this moment.  Wow … I am speechless.  Breathless.  I am actually sweating with exhilaration.

Wait.  What?  There’s a murmur in the crowd.  What are they saying?  Something about the ball … it’s here.  They’ve found it!  But where?  Hold on, I’m waiting for the exact details to come through.  Huh … oh, really?  That far?  Oh, dear lord.

The world has fallen out from beneath our feet.  Dianna, Wii Golf extraordinaire, has not only NOT launched the ball into oblivion as previously stated, but the ball is, in fact, still sitting on the tee where it’s been all along.  Dianna has done nothing more than sliced through air.  Even a two-year-old can do that.

This unprecedented night in history has gone from the highest high to the lowest low.  How can she rebound from this career-ending nightmare?  Let’s get a statement:

Announcer:  Dianna, so what happened out there?

Dianna:  Well, I’ll be quite honest with you.  I expected a lot more out of that swing.  I mean, when I do it with the Wii, golf balls go flying.  So I truly don’t know what went wrong.

Announcer:  I’d have to agree.  Your displays at the Wii have been absolutely amazing.  Can you now say that perhaps fake golf or even golf of the mini kind would be more your type of sport?

Dianna:  Sadly, I think you may be right.  In fact, my arms got more sore playing Wii Golf than actually competing in BIG PEOPLE golf.  That leads me to believe that either I am extremely out of shape and can’t hold anything heavier than a plastic controller, or else BIG PEOPLE golf is simply a challenge I haven’t quite worked up to yet.

Announcer:  So is it safe to say that your career is over at this point?

Dianna:  Well, I’m sure I’ll be out practicing again soon.  Until then, it’s back to the Wii.  And probably some DVR and couch-laying.  I’ve very very good at those two things.  And sometimes it’s just best to stick with something you know, right?  The way I lounge across sofa cushions is remarkable.

Announcer:  I have no doubt about that, Dianna.  No doubt at all.

Well there you have it, folks.  BIG PEOPLE golf history has been made, but not in the way we expected.  Perhaps, Dianna’s caddy, Bruce/Brent/Brad might have better luck.  That is, if the 9-hole is out in front then sharply to the right about 90 degrees.

Stay tuned next time when we host the 2008 Indoor Games.  Events include Marathon Sleeping, Elegant Remote Controlling, and Bossing Boyfriends.  Hey, sounds like something Dianna might actually win!

Stay tuned.