It’s me. The end.

Had dinner last night at mom and Randy’s.  Food was great as usual.  Spending time with the family … nice.  How I ended up walking for nigh on fifteen miles is beyond me.  I think there were some poison in the hushpuppies.

Anyhoo.

My point is, we’re all walking.  Mom, professional walker that she is, heads out in flip flops.  Cuz by god, she’s done this before, and we just don’t argue with that kind of rationality.

Things are going well.  Mom is about ten billion paces ahead of everybody.  I, not surprisingly, am bringing up the rear, huffing and sweating like it’s my damn job.  And about three blocks into it, mom breaks a flip flop.

Hurray!  Time for cake!

Except not.  Dang woman had a back up plan, and produced a sparkling pair of Nikes as if by magic.  So the walking ensues.  And I think I crack my groin.

Brad tells me to hop up on his back for a ride, and honestly, I don’t think he really thought that one through.  Cuz a) we weigh about the same, and b) I pee easily.  Hopping up on anything (i.e. trampolines, little step-stools, and, haha, how about that, the backs of boyfriends) cannot bode well for the kegels.  Cuz the kegels are just as lazy as me.

Back to walking.  Mom is just a shadow in the horizon.  Brad is pushing me in the back, helping me along.  And what I wouldn’t do for a pair of skates right about now.  Or some cake.

Finally, however, the walk comes to an end.  Mother and I look like a before-and-after picture.  I was moist in odd places, while she looked as if she’d been breathing fresh mountain air her whole life.  The balance is definitely off, and I no likeee.

Next week, we are all going to watch reality TV while sitting on the couch eating big bowls of ice cream with the top button of our pants undone.

Finally, a contest I can win.

Memorial Day weekend. Or as I like to call it … 3 blessed days away from the hell that is work. Not that work is really “hell” per se, but anytime doing things where no TV or sleeping is involved, I tend to get a little cranky.

Anyhoo.

So here is how we fill the time:

1) Autumn’s 8th grade graduation. Yes, my darling daughter has finished her junior high career and is now headed toward the last round … High School. This shocks me to no end, because I swear it was just yesterday when the Kindergarten teacher told me Autumn wouldn’t stop rolling under the chairs during Reading Circle.

But lookie … she’s all grown up now:

*Sigh* She makes me feel old. And I’m thinking I can’t keep telling people I am 25 anymore. I’m pretty sure the high school child pouting and whining beside me might give it all away.

Foiled!

2) Catering job. Brad and I helped out Mom and Randy at a class reunion on Saturday night. I’ve never done this before and I was quite nervous. I was in charge of picking up the plate and putting green beans on it. I was told to make absolute sure only to pick up one plate at at time. And to not get green bean juice everywhere. Which really … it was just too much pressure. All Brad had to do was stick on a hot roll. Hardly fair, because there is no rule to the hot roll. It’s pretty much, here’s your hot roll. And move on.

But I did okay. The fun part was that people kept picking up their own plates. And I kept telling them I was getting their plate for them. But then like everybody was doing it, and I had a severe urge to start slapping some hands. There is a SYSTEM, and they were effing with it, big time.

Highlight of the night (other than a no-green-bean-juice-situation, obviously) were the cloggers. Have you seen cloggers? They are like redneck river dancers and are hilarious. Especially when they do a clog to Old Dirty Bastard. And their legs flail about as if independent from their bodies. Mannnnn. I so want a pair of clogs.

3) Off to Eureka Springs, Arkansas! I haven’t been to Eureka Springs since high school, and I’m telling you, this town is the cutest place on the planet. Brad was not so keen on going, but since I am the boss of him, what choice did he really have?

We went with Mom and Randy, and it was a super hot day. Ya’ll know I don’t look good in sweat, and this day was no exception. I was moist all over. And the legs were on full display. So you can just imagine.

Toward mid-afternoon, however, it started storming. Like huge torrential sideways rain. We ran into the first shop we came to, and oddly enough, it was a jewelry store. Fancy how we just end up in the most convenient of places, right smack in the middle of the engagement rings. It’s almost as if Jesus was saying YESSSSSSSS.

But Brad doesn’t like to listen. He is stinky.

However, the trip turned out wonderful, and Brad even ended up enjoying himself. It felt like we were on a vacation to a far away place, and I’ve got the pictures of us huddling together in the rain to prove it. Except they are on film and not digital, so you’ll just have to trust me.

4) Grocery stop at Dillon’s. Don’t ask why this gets to be a highlight of the weekend. It just does. Especially because we joined their shopper’s program, and saved 9 cents on a pack of gum. But also because they have the prettiest bundles of asparagus I’ve ever seen and frozen bags of pre-diced onions, which damn well makes me want to pee my pants from excitement. You would too if you saw how I slice up an onion. It takes like 15 years, and honestly I just don’t have the patience for that.

But now it’s back to work, and my dreams of a never-ending weekend has come crashing to a halt. And to make it even sweeter, I have to work at the video store tonight, and surely that must mean someone else is going to vomit in the stand-up room. Because that’s occurred twice now in the last month and those statistics just don’t happen on accident.

Only 937847540 days till the next weekend. And yes, I’m counting.

This past weekend was a rather festive one. Despite having to work till the crack of dawn at the Video Store on Friday (or about 1a.m., but same diff), everything turned out pretty spectacular. If you like partying with a bunch of kids on roller skates, that is.

Saturday was Jadyn’s 7th birthday party. He wanted to do skating, which is fine with me, as … well, have I mentioned before how awesome I am on four wheels? Yeah? Ok.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you ask), I did not have time for skating. I was in charge of pictures and keeping Brad from exploding. And if you don’t want a bunch of blurry, streaky-light photos, it is probably best that you keep me away from the skates. Cuz once I get going, elegantly stopping proves to be right up there with figuring out some rocket science.

As for the Brad exploding part … well, I did the best I could. Let’s just say that trying to organize a party and babysitting a bunch of 7-year-olds all while trying not to forget the ice cream scooper can be one of the most difficult tasks in the world. However, on the bright side, dishing out ice cream with a spatula is funnnnn.

So here’s a few pics as proof that we all really did have a good time, edge of insanity notwithstanding:

Oh wait. Not that one. I mean this:

Pre-ice cream scoop disaster, obviously.

Oh, and the birthday boy:

On his new scoot! Well, sort of on. As apparent by the death-grip on Brad’s shirt. Probably doesn’t bode well for all future scooting adventures. Unless a constant state of falling sideways is his point.

Next day would be Katy’s graduation from high school. It was a tremendous amount of fun, my favorite part being that it only took 1 1/2 hours for 412 kids to walk across the stage. I expected to be there until at least Wednesday.

I just can’t believe my little sister has finished school. It doesn’t seem like very long ago when I was holding her in my arms at the hospital. And also when I had very very bleached-blonde hair and extremely huge eyeglasses. So, it is safe to say that Katy was probably the best thing about that time in my life.

And now if that darned girl didn’t up and graduate with honors. Cum laude, I mean. Plus, she even makes a mortarboard look good:

Sigh.

Bryan looks good in yellow and has all his hair. Mom’s new boobs are fantastic.

And I … er … have spots on my shirt.

Dangit.

Anyway, I about felt sorry for myself for one second. Then I remembered that I, too, have all my hair. Heh.

Cue the after party:

This photo was followed by a couple hours of eating pinwheels and 7-layer dip until we all exploded. But then Brad and I ate some more because we love free food. Or free anything for that matter. That is why we have a Chick-Fil-A calendar up on the fridge. And a box of beer logo t-shirts in the garage.

So next up for Katy is college. She is off to Missouri University in August where she will be studying Biology and eventually one day become a doctor. Which now means she has to move back home so I can get my free medical care. I mean, if you insist on being the smartest kid in the family, the very least you can do is dole out a full-body MRI or something.

I’d even take a little canister of gauze and tongue depressors. Cuz free is free, right? And you’d be amazed at all the things you can do with tongue depressors. They’re like a popsicle family just waiting to happen.

I got off track. And I’ve lost my point. I’ve been typing for hours and the carpal tunnel is setting in. As well as the gigantic latte.

Back later this week with more photos of yet another celebration … my daughter’s 8th grade graduation. That = her mother is dadgum old. But sexy as hell.

It’ll be a good day.

Unintentional porn, of course.

I found this picture in my new Kraft Food and Family magazine:

And now suddenly I need a banana sundae like nobody’s business. I mean, I really, really, really need one. Like in an If I Don’t Get One Someone’s Getting Karate Chopped sort of way. A dire PMS-like situation, if you ask me.

Maybe Brad will make me one. Tonight. Sayyyyy, about 1 a.m.-ish?

Yay, Kraft!

Sorry for being absentee the past week or so.  I have stumbled upon a really strange thing … the fact that my life is boring and I have nothing to say.  Shocking, I know.  But I wanted to leave a post for my fans after receiving emails upon emails asking me to update the blog.  Lorraine, you are the best stalker ever.  Kisses!

Anyway.

Brad and I took the kids to Har-Ber Village this past weekend.  It was just Jadyn and Jordan with us, but it felt more like an entire elementary school.  I mean, I love them and all, but I guess those two boys don’t appreciate antique butter churns quite as much as I do.  Whatever.

What they did like was The Gallows, where they pretended to hang each other; the dead bear exhibit; and the old farm equipment.  In essense — everything I didn’t like.  Poo on boys.  They have no fun.

Afterwards, we took them to Darryl Starbird’s Custom Car Museum, where Jordan ruined everything by blurting out he was 8 and therefore costing us $4 for his admission.  Suppose we should’ve let him in on the art of lying about your age.  Cause now he’s doing extra yard work for paybacks.  Toooooo bad.

Mother’s Day was nice.  Went over to mom’s for a barbeque.  I made a potato salad, which was my first time ever contributing to a family dinner.  However, potato salad is sort of like the Christmas fruitcake or the Thanksgiving cranberry mold — a tradition, yes, but no one really likes it.  On the upswing, though, people ate it and mom even said it was good.  But she was probably high on excitement (after all, free gifts), and didn’t know she was eating.  Either that, or new boobs make everything taste better.

I did rack up a couple gifts myself.  Besides the Rachael Ray cookware I got in April, I got a new bookshelf, which is something I really really wanted.  Then Brad buys a $5 lottery ticket, which won him a $50 prize, so I confiscated that too.

Cuz that’s how things work on Mother’s Day.

Or any day, for that matter.  Sorreeeeee.

Next up is Katy’s high school graduation and Jadyn’s 7th birthday party.  So I hope to have some cool pictures to share and maybe even a good story to tell.  After all, the birthday party is at the skating rink, and ya’ll know how awesome I am on four wheels.  A LOT awesome.

Have a good weekend er’body!

Thing #1: Kid comes in to tan.  He is about 16, 17.  Possibly gay.  He pays for a single visit in the stand-up bed.  He goes in, then comes back out 6 minutes later carrying a plastic trash sack.  Our plastic trash sack.  With vomit in it.  Niiiiiiice.

It is situations like these that make me appreciate the smarmy Bobs of the world.  I’d much rather wipe up porn sweat than walk into a room where someone just tossed their cookies.  But by a very narrow margin.  Let’s just make that clear.

Thing #2:  The Asian lady at the nail place burned off all my cuticles yesterday.  It hurt like a mo fo.  I’m thinking that was my punishment for coming in too close to quitting time.  But I had a nail emergency, ya’ll!  The pinky nail was lifting, and I was about to make chicken for dinner.  There was no way I could tolerate chicken goo stuck up under there.  I can barely stomach the Dorito crumbs.  Although the brownie bits are quite nice.  They stay chocolately for dayyyyyys.  Mmmmmmmmmm.

…

…

…

Huh.  Where was I?

Oh yeah.  Cuticles.  She just kept filing, filing, filing.  And I’m like, Duuuude.  I’m so glad you don’t work in fast food.  There be a hamburger with “special sauce” with my name on it, I’m sure.

Thing #3:  “I was thinking, Bob Marley!

I about peed myself with laughter, I’m serious.  Watch at least 40 seconds or so of this video, and see for yourself.  Hi-larious!

Thing #4: I got my new Missouri Driver’s License yesterday, complete with vision and road sign recognition test. Funnnnn. It’s really weird to me that when put on the spot, a stop sign doesn’t resemble a stop sign in any way whatsoever. It is just simply an eight-sided red piece of metal on a stick. Thank goodness Brad ran over to the cheat sheet on the wall and versed me on the different signs, or else I may be the only Missouri driver in the state who looks at a school crossing zone sign and think maybe there is a shopping mall nearby.  Poo.

Anyway, the vision test was what really got me. I was told to look into the little lightbox on the counter, and when I did, there was nothing in it. My eyes! My eyes! Heh. Then I realized too late you had to turn the machine on by pressing a button with your forehead. You know, the button that approximately 1.5 billion people pressed before me. I’m really surprised my sweet little germaphobe (that be Brad) didn’t rescue me at the last second by either whipping out an antibiotic wipey from his pocket, or showing me the sanitation strips I was supposed to use that the DMV provided.

He really needs to watch me closer. I am dangerous when operating on my own freewill.

Thing #5: When ordering food from Lohn John Silver’s, be sure to ask for the piece of chicken NOT shaped like a penis. Cuz otherwise, having lunch takes on a whole new meaning.

Or else that’s just how my mind works. Whatev.