It’s me. The end.

Good morning, beautiful peoples! Hope ya’ll’s weekends were awesome, and that you are all raring to go for another fun-filled week of blogging. I know I am.

Stuff I did:

FRIDAY

As mentioned earlier, I went to a bluegrass concert. Now don’t ya’ll go gettin’ jealous on me — it wasn’t like I had fun or anything. I am not a fan of the bluegrass, but it was required by my family that I should go. My nephew is in a “famous” bluegrass band out in Virginia called Nothin’ Fancy, and his girlfriend is also in a “famous” bluegrass band who just so happened to be playing in town. And since family from all over was coming down to listen, somehow I got finagled into coming along.

However, all was not lost. Turns out, this concert was a hoot! There were two bands playing, and the band that was not my nephew’s girlfriend’s band (must make that clear) just plain cracked me up. I don’t think it was meant to be funny, but it was so totally downright hilarious. Here’s why:

If you’ve ever wanted to see bluegrass-style headbanging while playing that big ass stand-up bass, this show was for you. Seriously, the dude was all makey outey will that dang instrument and his head was a-bobbin’ around like a rooster in a henhouse. (No joke — picture a rooster in a henhouse and that’s it in a nutshell.) And I swear, if synchronized toe-tapping was an Olympic sport, they’d take gold, silver and bronze.

Ah. Good times.

SATURDAY

Not much going on this day. Watched some DVR (Project Runway sooooo rawks!), did a little reading, took a nappie, scrapbooked with my daughter the prodigy, and went grocery shopping. Weeee!

By the way, grocery shopping on an empty stomach is so not a good idea. The Little Debbie Cake rep was stocking her shelf with these new coconut creme thingys and I was all oooooooooo, what’s this?! Took one off her hot little hands, but Jerry tried to put it back on the shelf, and then I might’ve bit his hand a tiny bit. Not 100% sure, though, as I was daydreaming about a little nakey roll-around in a bed full of Little Debbies.

SUNDAY

Off to mommy’s for a cookout. So delish. (And free!)

Later, took a nap, watched more DVR, and scrapbooked a li’l. In short, a darn good day.

Now it is back to work as usual. What a way to ruin a perfectly good weekend, right? Must do something about that horrible injustice.

Someone has got to stop me. I have gotten way out of control. I have officially bid for seven new scrapbooking items off of Ebay. Why? Because I need to. Why? Because I am helpless in the face of stuff for cheap.

I have already won one item because it had 47 minutes left in the auction, and dangit if I didn’t swoop in there with my hearty bid of $5.24. Weeeee! Take that, losers!

Now I am poised to win another item that will expire in about 3 hours. And then another that ends tomorrow. And another that ends in two more days. And another…and another… GACK!

Good thing I have no computer access over the weekend, or I might just auction off my house so I can have more money to buy scrapbooking books. (But, oddly, no house in which to put them. Maybe I will rethink that.)

Anyhoo…

Sorry for being on the Scrapbook Train the past few days. I am all consumed by the loss of my last July kit. It should be here next week, though, so rah rah for that.

Goin’ to a bluegrass concert tonight. Yes, seriously. More about that fun bit of news on Monday.

Tata, ya’ll.

I never do very well with withdrawl. All I have to say in my defense is don’t take my scrapbook stuff away from me, ever! Because this is what happens — I joined another kit club. I now belong to six. I think my OCD may be showing a li’l bit.

Yes, I’ve been so depressed that Little Red Scrapbook hasn’t sent out their July kits, that I’ve retaliated with a small itty bitty purchase from Mosh Posh — a robust six-month membership all for me. But their August kit is to die for, so I am not going to take all the blame. If Mosh Posh had any sense, they wouldn’t have picked such delicious papers. I am so not kidding you. Look here. They speak to me.

Alrighty, off work now and going home to perhaps fondle the leftover papers that I do have. And mope a little.

Til’ tomorrow my effing good friends!

…that’s me in a nutshell. Seriously. Just ask anyone.

So I was working way overtime last night because my corporate client just couldn’t say goodbye. Ahh, it’s nice to be loved, but good god. However, I was a good travel agent and did all the things they asked me to with smiles and giggles to boot. If that doesn’t get me something in the form of a gift card, I may have to punch someone in the kidney.

Now for a slight rant … I am STILL waiting for one last July scrapbook kit. I’m having a major jones over here. I want my papers, dammit! I’m trying to be all ladylike about it, posting on their message board as if it is no big deal that they are like three weeks late. But I may be about to burstin’. Surely a 15-day-old baby doesn’t take up that much time.

Ger.

I be’s better now.

Oh, dear Katy. How disappointed I am in you now. One trip to Las Vegas and this is what it’s come down to, huh?

What happened to your plans? You were going to go to college to be a doctor for god’s sake! Oh, my poor, sweet, innocent sister. Taken advantage of like this. What is next for you? Prostitution, some drugs, a spread in Playboy magazine, mayhaps? I don’t get it — you were this beautiful, intelligent 16 year old girl when you left. I can’t believe what has become of you.

Excuse me, what…?

Y-you mean this is a fake picture? As in “not real”? She took this at the photo kiosk inside the hotel?

Oh.

Well, that’s alright then.

Thought I’d post a picture of my darling cat, Chloe, for all the boy kitties to enjoy.

Stats:

*Height — about mid-calf level
*Weight — don’t ask a girl such retarded questions
*Eyes — greenish gold
*Hair — Salt ‘n Pepa, oreo, domino, ebony and ivory, jungle fever, Braum’s-dairy-cow-colored, etc.
*Distinguishing characteristics — a slight receding hairline (evident in the second picture) and a cute freckle on left nostril
*Interests — sleeping all day, not exercising (Hey! She is my child after all!!), staring out windows, throwing up periodically around the house, shedding on every last drop of furniture, pooping outside the litter box
*Dislikes — that dumb ass other cat, Alex (her words, not mine), when my mom tries to hold me or love on me in any way, being forced to take pictures like this one
*Looking for — a man who can handle all this

Chloe says even fat girls need love too. Now, if this pose doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard, I don’t know what will.
However, Chloe isn’t always trying to rock the sexy look. She can be sweet and girlish, too. I took this photo of my darling girl while she was giggling into her hand all bashful-like. Such manners! Chloe’s working it like a pro, I think. She may have a secret night job that I am not aware of. Hmmmm.

That’s all for now, my pretties. Please contact me with details on your boy cats and I will pass them along to Miss Chloe. She is a very discerning girl, so therefore, don’t be sending along pictures that are not recent (i.e., pre-beer belly).

So, yes, I’m pimping my cat on Blogspot. What of it?

I am assuming none of you are a fan of the codpiece? Just a guess since not a one of you left a comment about it. I mean, come on people! If you were given a choice to comment on one of my lamewad posts or one genius-slash-history lesson-slash-funny as all hell post, certainly the codpiece one would win hands down. Right?

Whew. Tough crowd. Eh, back to normal stuff now.

Today has been a busy day so far. Ugh. I think Mondays should be a designated non-working day. I mean, if we’ve got to be here, at least don’t make us do crap. Let’s try easing into the work week, shall we?

Alrighty, so this weekend was fab. Didn’t do much of anything except drop about a billion dollars in the scrapbook store. Best billion I’ve ever spent, I think.

Two layouts for you using my scraps from the last kit I got:

I am waiting on one last July kit to come in the mail. They are slightly “delayed” seeing that it is practically August now. The owner of the kit company had to run off and give birth or some lame excuse like that. Whatev.

But good news came this morning — I inadvertently entered a contest on one of my kits’ websites, and I won a $10 prize. Weeeee! I love it when you get free stuff on accident. It better be something good, and not AT ALL like the scrap equivalent of a year’s supply of Turtle Wax. That’s all I’m saying.

And lastly, before I get back to work, I’ve discovered something about myself this weekend: It is hard to stop eating bean dip.

I know ya’ll know this, but I feel the need to reiterate myself anyway.

I do not have internet at home. Every Friday, before I leave work, I like to remind ya’ll that I won’t be back online until Monday. Just in case there is someone, somewhere out there, feeling all bereft because there is nothing new posted for two days. Don’t worry, my babies, I will be back.

So here is what I have to entertain myself with this weekend:

1) Lots of shows on the DVR. I mean, lots. I went through the listings on some of my favorite channels and check-marked a bunch of stuff. So there will be a DVR-Love-Fest at my house. Party of one.

2) I have two brand new scrapbook books that I got in the mail this week. Not counting the one I got on Monday, which I’ve already read. So, after the Love-Fest, I will be indulging in a Scrap-a-palooza and I can barely wait.

Hmmmm. That’s about it. Doesn’t it sound like lots of fun to be had?! I think yes.

I am a nerd.

Welp, gots to go. Hope ya’ll have a great weekend. I know I will — the least of which it is only going to be 80-some-odd degrees. Brrrr! I feel a scarf and mittens coming on.

Don’t feel like thinking up a title for this post today. So, funny how I turned that into my title, eh? Tricky!

I am super happy it is Friday today. I loves me a weekend! Nothing special planned but that’s okay. Not working + sitting on my ass = damn good time.

My mom, sister and step-dad are flying home from Vegas today. They’ve been holed up in the City of Sin since Monday. I just talked to my mom a little while ago, and she shared a bit of wisdom about eating in fancy restaurants: Don’t do it.

Turns out, fancy restaurants charge for everything on your plate. There is no such thing as an entree or combo meal. You want chicken? Thirty dollars. Some taters to go with? Eight dollars. Chocolate souffle? Show me the money.

Of course, they knew it was going to be expensive, but my darling sister wanted the “true Las Vegas experience.” In my opinion, paying $52 for a meal isn’t the real deal — wasting all your money in a slot machine, however … that’s a whole ‘nother thing entirely.

Alrighty, I’m going to lunch. Jerry got paid today, so I’m off to confiscate his paycheck. Weeee! I love being the mistress of the checkbook.

More later.

So I was talking to my corporate client — not the head honcho, but her minion, obviously — on MSN and she sent over this dancing baby emoticon that looked like it was wearing a codpiece. She’s all, what’s a codpiece? Well, it is only the most fantastically orgasmic piece of male clothing on earth. And the funniest word ever. Duh.

Okay, some history for you … back in the olden days, like 1400s or so, men wore tights, right? Well, they were open in the crotch to let their dangly bits air out, because as you know, in the 1400s they didn’t have air conditioning and just imagine how musty it must be in their nether regions….

….

….

….

I’m back. Imagining that is not such a good idea. Anyhoo, some designer (I’m thinking someone like Karl Lagerfeld or that weirdo who made the basket hat last week on Project Runway) came up with the idea of the codpiece — a bit of material to go over the privates because I reckon women just didn’t want to see mens’ nakey, hairy, sweaty middles anymore.

Hmmm. Don’t go imagining that either.

So here is a nice little page on codpieces, plus a hot photo of Henry the 8th sporting a big ‘un. And I urge you to do a little google for some images. A codpiece extravanganza, I tell you! I believe you will thank me for your sexy dreams later.

Good night.

First of all, I want to say I am sorry. Sorry for that retarded little post I left ya’ll with yesterday. Work has just really gotten to me in the last few days. I don’t know what is up with that. How dare I come to work just so I can work. That is so not appropriate behavior.

Okay, things seem to be looking up a little today. Still busy, but not psycho-ly so (hmmm…new word…I like!). I will try real hard to give you something good to read. Here we go:

Ummm, I haven’t scrapbooked in like 2 days, nor have I taken any cool piccies for you. I may be in the middle of a depression. Who knows.

(Okay, that was stupid. Let me try again.)

Took the kitty to the vet today because he had a lump on his neck, like a goiter but covered in fur. Turns out, he was bit by something — a tick, mayhaps? — and it got infected. Poor baby! So the vet did a little overall check-up thingy, complete with stethoscope, a little looksee inside the mouth and ears, an antibiotic shot, and finally, the coup de grace — a little thermometer up the bum. Weeee! I swear, if Alex’s eyes were on a human face they would be saying something along the lines of “What the dadgum @#!*%&$#!@*$% is that crap going on in my backside?!” Maybe with a little Irish accent.

Now if that bit didn’t make you squirm in your underpants, nothin’ will. Tata!

I was driving home last night and passed three different bank marquees that all claimed the temperature outside was 101-degrees. WTF?! I know it is July and all, but good god. Why so hot? Does earth just want us all to miserable and cranky? It is so hot outside, I am practically begging for a 90-degree day. That sounds like a veritable wind chill factor to me.

Which also brings me to this: gas prices suck. I’m sorry, I just don’t understand why they have to be so high. Do gas prices think they are royalty? I miss the olden days when gas was like $2.40 — that’s a bargain right there. And if gas would ever go down under $2.00 again, I might just pee my pants a little.

So to recap — I’m hot and I hate gas. The end.

…I’m about to knock your socks off. Check out these beauties:

I made them special last night. I do love getting new kits in the mail. I’ve about used the whole thing and I just opened it up yesterday. I am crazy psycho scrapper. I mostly just wanted to give Lorraine and Gina a little sumpin’ to scraplift. Go ahead, ladies, scrap it up! Ha!

First layout is of my new hair. New, as in not purchased, like a wig, but new as in it is long now and I’ve never had long hair. I’ve tried to grow it long, but I get tired of waiting and end up cutting the dang thing. This time, however, I’ve restrained from doing so (read: too lazy to care). And lookie what happened … me + long hair = sexy.

Second layout is of mother during her pool party with the cousins. I think she wore this “outfit” to make all of us look bad. Good going, mom. Way to instill some self-esteem in your children. I love you, but why can’t you wear knee high hose or cotton shorts like the rest of the moms?

Oh, and on a side note, my day of freebies continued last night once I got home. Knopf sent me a book! I don’t know if I will read it or not, but it was free dammit, and therefore I could sell it and make a 100% profit. Yes.

Ahhhh. I was forced to go to Taco Bell today because I ran out of Lean Cuisines. Dangit. But it turned out alright because my boyfriend was working the drive-thru. Well, not my boyfriend per se but whatev — he is stalk-a-licious! He used to be my paper boy before he grew up and found bigger and better opportunities at the Taco Bell (which I think is actually an oxymoron … hmmmm).

So I’d totally date him if I wasn’t like a billion years older than him. Oh, and married.

Then after lunch, everything went slightly downhill. For some bizarre reason, people are parking in the parking lot. Well, obviously — but now more people than usual. So I had to park way out in BFE and practically hike my way to my office building. It was hideous. Plus, it is only about 157-degrees outside. AND I’m doing exercise, which as ya’ll know is not fun on any day, ever. However, isn’t it true if you exercise in 157-degree heat that it like triples the impact of your workout? I think I heard that somewhere. Or else I made it up.

Wow, today has been a little slow. I actually have time to play around. I just knew this Monday was gonna be a good one! Any day that starts out with three pressies for me can’t be all bad, right?

First of all, I want to give a shout out to my husband for letting me clean the house by myself this weekend. Yous awesome.

Secondly, I scrapbooked til my back went numb. I made a bunch of layouts with the kit I got on Friday. And now, without further ado, I give you these. Watch your drool, peoples — these are priceless:

That one was made with my scraps from the kit I got earlier last week. It is amazing what I can create with scraps. Too bad I can’t do a thing with leftover food. Or food, period.

Now these three are from the kit I got on Friday. For those in the know — this is the Scrapworks Bellevue collection. This first layout is of my hot sister, Katy, all lookin’ serious and contemplative and a little bit weird for wearing a jean jacket in June. But I love her anyway.

I think this one below may be my favorito. I let my arty side flow. Everything about this layout rocks except for the porker on the end. Good lord, don’t let me eat any more Taco Bell.

Also, mom is in shades because this is the day after her Lasik eye surgery. Not because she was channeling Janis Joplin. Because you know that’s what you were thinkin’.

And lastly, I’ve paid homage to my sister’s passionate love affair with her mobile. That girl can text message like nobody’s business. Basically, she rocks that cell phone like it is her bitch.

And finally, the only other thing about this weekend worth talking about is that I spent my own hard earned money on the kids. (Ha, I never pass up the opportunity to show you all my un-selfish side.) So they got a few things for school and I got to burn gas and a hole in my wallet. Good times.

Remind me why we have kids, again?

I wanted to pop in a bit before I left for lunch break to say hello and that I love free stuff.

By that I mean:

I earned 330 points by booking Alamo rental cars for my customers, which earned me 3 $25 gift certificates from Walmart. Yay! So I bought lots of books and I just got them in the mail today.

Which brings me to another thing I love: good mail! Not only did I get my Walmart book order, I got a scrapbook kit and the book I won off of Ebay.

So, yes, my friends, this Monday ain’t turnin’ out too bad.

And one other thing I’ve discovered I love, which I did not know before this weekend: Project Runway. Holy cow! That show is good. Season 3 just started and I had never watched it before, and well, I loves me some reality tv! Plus, it has lots of gay men creating fashion, which in general just cracks me up. So watch it for a laugh or two. You may thank me later (in gift card form — ya’ll know that’s my fave).

I go now.

Autumn called me today and told me my new scrapbook kit arrived! Why it was delivered to my home is beyond me … don’t those people know my addiction is a secret? As far as Jerry is concerned, the money I’ve spent on scrapbooking is really money I’ve “donated to charity.” Let’s keep up the charade, people!

Now, down to business … I am so looking forward to scrapping some pretty stuff this weekend. Can’t wait! (Oooo, almost peed in my pants a little bit there.)

Speaking of weird hotel requests (in the previous post), a lady had called me a few months back looking for a hotel in Mexico that had a pillow-top mattress. Excuse me?! We are talking Mexico, not the French Riviera. If you can get a hotel in Mexico whose sheets aren’t damp, you are having a good day. I am so not kidding. Sleeping in a mexican bed is like swimming in a bathtub. Blech. However, on the up side, you can skate barefoot across their wet, humid-y tiled floors. Weeeee! Never turn back from a free skate. Trust me.

Alrighty, bloggie-babes, I’m out for the weekend. Kisses to everyone!

Something fishy is going on. Two days in a row now I’ve been too busy to goof-off. What the ef? Whoever’s put the voodoo curse on me has just gotta stop it. It is getting ridiculous.

So here is what kept me busy yesterday:

My corporate client, who is slightly particular (read: neurotic), needed a hotel in Seattle. Sounds easy, but oh no my friends, it is not. Not when she wants to go to Seattle next week and only wants to stay at 5-star places that have suites where the bedroom is separated from the sitting room — by a door, not a curtain — and the sitting room needs to have a sofa bed in it, and if that is not possible, at least two adjoining regular rooms, but I have to get the adjoining confirmed not just requested because that just won’t do, and also it needs to have a pool — indoor, not outdoor, because that is plain crazy — and the hotel needs to offer high speed internet free of charge in the rooms, not in the business center, plus the hotel needs to be within walking distance of their conference center because apparently rental cars or taxis are taboo, and while I am at it, can I have mints placed on the pillow, a butler installed in the bathroom just in case an aromatherapy bath is in order, and perhaps a little errand boy to hang around outside the hotel door for those little emergency trips to Starbucks or the drugstore? Oh, and can I get the options e-mailed over within 15 minutes? Yeah. OK.

In other words: nothing complicated unless you consider the IMPOSSIBLE complicated.

But by god I performed a miracle and found the perfect hotel. I am awesome. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but beep beep.

So I was all up for a second post last night before I left for work, but dangit if I wasn’t actually working like all frickin’ day. That is totally not funny on so many levels:

1) The boss was gone. Hello?! That is code for “goof-off day.” Duh.
2) I was in charge of the office. Work was the last thing on the to-do list.
3) The to-do list looked a little something like this:

* Play on the internet while maintaining an absolute professional exterior.
* Only answer customer calls if you are seriously bored, i.e., not on your life.
* Sorry, no travel available today. Come back later.
* Ummm, goof-off time has already started. Go away.
* Come in late, leave early, and have long leisurely lunch breaks.
* Also feel free to take a nap. You DESERVE it!!
* (I sense an Assistant-Manager-of-the-Year award in my future. Yes.)

4) This is what the to-do list actually ended up like:

* The customer wants wha….? Oh hell.

So, yeah, I was a little busy yesterday which is totally unfair. I didn’t even get to read my scrapbook magazine on company time. A travesty, I tell you. Sheer travesty.

…I can’t stop taking photos! Last night I drug Autumn and Paige out into the heat and made them pose for me relentlessly. Here are my rewards:

Dig Autumn’s tiger shirt, man! Love that thing. Kudos to her step-mother for having such good taste. Feel free to buy more shirts like this. We likey.

Below is my step-daughter, Paige. So serious. She may have been studying too many fashion advertisements. Hello, Kate Moss called. She wants her pose back.

Okay, next up is Autumn being all carefree and happy. Where is this girl when I’m not taking pictures? She is not a fan of this photo because her hair is all messed up. I say whatever — her look is photo-licious!

And finally, I had to capture the essence that is my daughter:

She loves these shoes. This is her second pair, plus now she owns a pair of checked low-tops. I never wore shoes like this in high school. But then again I wasn’t so fashion forward. Unless you happened to like white pantyhose with black flats and thick ankles. Yay.

Well I am officially starving and I’ve been writing this post for like an hour now. Time for some lunch and a little sit-down at the bookstore. Blended latte, here I come. Ahhhh.

…scrapbook layouts to die for! I know ya’ll have been waiting like ALL day to see these. So, without further ado, I give you:

This is my first time working with the 8 1/2 x 11 format. Not too bad, I guess. And for my lovely cousin, Debra, who left me awesome praise this morning, do you recognize anything in the top 2 photos? You can tell Christie her house is forever immortalized all because of ME. And she can thank me later (in gift card form, please).

Speaking of praise, yay to all you people who left me comments! It makes me so very happy. And to all those who haven’t done so yet, what is wrong with you?! Certainly you won’t ignore my pleas much longer. Trust me on this. I am a very good stalker.

Gonna scoot now. My boss just asked me to help her with some stuff, and since I am such a kiss-ass, I will do it. I’m tellin’ you, if my boss was a man, I’d totally be like supervisor of the world by now.

Sayonara, sweeties!